I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
