party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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