No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
