I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
