Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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