Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
