I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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