question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
