He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
