ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I lost the right to judge tonight
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
