He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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