I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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