Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
