why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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