You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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