Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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