Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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