yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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