you traded sex for a burrito?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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