planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
