i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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