Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
