my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
