I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
