I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
