your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
