u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
