I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
