You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
