just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
