my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My life is pants optional.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
