I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
