Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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