my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
