Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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