my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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