trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
