Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
