I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
