i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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