i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
