You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
