I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
