I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
