So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
