Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
