elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
