Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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