need another drink. this is the easiest way
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
