OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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